As we proceed on our mission of eliminating relationship conflicts, couple fault-lines of Intolerance within couples is our focus in this post.
You may keep on track through these linked sub-topics:
Defining A Challenge
Intolerance is a lot of things, mostly negative. It is one of the primary triggers for couples'' quarrels and disagreements.
Basically it represents a lack of willingness to condone or allow, accept or entertain something which one dislikes or disagrees with.
It means refusing to accommodate or give room to other people's opinions or beliefs, just because they are opposites of what somebody would prefer.
At its normal level, intolerance rejects ideas which contradict the views of its host, while at its extreme it attacks and refuses to allow them to exist or occur.
It may also suggest a person's inability to bear or endure certain situations or to respect other people's different social backgrounds.
What are the usual signals of intolerance?
As couples daily cope with the uneasy business of co-existing, how can they identify or recognize its signs?
Their ability to do this will help them to isolate it, tackle it, and subsequently enable them to either prevent or find lasting solutions to it.
Here are some signals:
1. The short fuse syndrome.
An intolerant person, most certainly, is the one holding a short fuse - which never wastes time to execute an explosion.
It means someone who is highly temperamental or quick to get angry.
His or her endurance capacity is constantly graphically located at an absolute low.
2. Uncompromising Profile.
A person like that tends to be inflexible, rigid and unyielding, refusing to compromise or seek middle grounds for breakthrough.
3. A Closed Mind.
An intolerant fellow obviously has a mind as closed and locked up as a barn door, which you can bet the key's right now in someone else's pocket.
They are usually not interested in adopting or accepting fresh or different ideas, contributions or innovations from other sources apart from theirs.
4. They dislike and vehemently discourage being criticized or opposed, no matter how constructive it might turn out to be.
5. They are unwilling to admit to being ignorant on any issue or betraying weakness, even when it's so glaring that that's the case.
6. They behave in a way that excludes others from their activities.
This happens through ignoring the views and inputs of others.
In short, they may be dismissive and snubbish.
7. They could go as far as seeking to deny their partners of their individual rights, such as:
- right to autonomy and decision-making
- right to freedom of expression
- right to privacy
- right to equality and non-discrimination
- right to freedom of association
- right to self-identification
- right to emotional well-being
8. Even more, they lay no claim to being fair in the manner they treat people.
Actually, they could be very unpredictable, unreliable, and exceedingly discriminatory.
9. They are often stressful, overbearing, and exert complex pressures on their partner's mental health.
10. Not just this, they can be highly presumptuous, assuming they are always right and therefore not needing anyone else's support or contributions.
11. Flowing from the last point, they do not appreciate other folks. They probably feel they are all they would ever need and believe that are fine just the way they are.
12. Similarly, not being tolerant unleashes tirades of criticisms and belittling, fair or not, within couples.
The Roots
There can be no smoke without fire - everything always has a source.
So then, where are the flames which create the smoke of intolerance located?
How did we even get here?
To be frank, various factors may generate acts of intolerance or intolerant behaviour.
Let's identify a few of them, as follows:
1. Parental Fault-lines may adversely affect their offsprings.
Possibly they grew up in an hostile environment, surrounded by guardians who demonstrated regular acts of intolerance.
What else would anyone expect?
It wouldn't be such a surprise if products of such homes adopted intolerant behaviour as a way of life.
2. Past traumatic experiences and events, especially instances of betrayal and unfair treatment, may also create intolerant habit in someone.
3. More so, all that glitters is not gold, which means that appearances may be deceptive.
Intolerance is not an evidence of strength, but most times could actually be springing up from a place of inferiority complex deep within a guy.
It could be a smokescreen or a defence mechanism by a person suffering from substantial low esteem and insecurity - as an attempt to exert some form of power or control.
4. Alternately, intolerance can emanate from uncontrollable or prolonged anxiety, depression, personality disorders, and other mental health conditions.
5. Again, a person undergoing high levels of stress and pressure may become easily irritated and intolerant.
6. Sometimes too, people who have been over-protected or shielded from realities of life, might begin to find it difficult to handle diverse perspectives, cultures, and lifestyles in a relationship.
Such a lack of exposure could make them to become intolerant.
7. Extreme or hardline position, beliefs and values, especially concerning religion and culture, can also lead to intolerance.
8. When couples are engaged in struggling to control one another, to be in charge, to dominate and "be the boss", intolerance is most likely to overwhelm the relationship.
9. If a couple finds it difficult to interact or communicate, assuming they can't even conduct simple healthy conversations successfully, they will probably become intolerant of one-another.
10. When partners fail to achieve deep understanding and cannot feel each other's emotional pulses, they might find it impossible to be tolerant towards each other.
11. When a couple lacks intimacy but are instead engulfed in disaffection and conflicts, chances are high that they may become intolerant.
12. A militarized and intolerant cultural background and exposure to negative social media, could additionally shape an individual's attitudes and behaviors towards intolerance.
13. Lastly, it could happen through substance abuse, because unprescribed drugs can damage emotional regulation and generate irritability and intolerance.
How It Affects Couples
Life is usually regulated by rules of Cause and Effects.
So what does intolerance do to relationships?
What, in layman's language, are its tear and wear (gradual and cumulative effects)?
1. Needless to say, it generates a toxic environment, featuring exchanges of resentment and anger.
A couple like than can hardly see eye-to-eye or relate in peace.
2. As a corollary, it can cause emotional distancing, disconnection, and alienates couples.
Indeed, it renders them disunited, uncooperative, antagonistic, and emotionally divergent even though they may be physically together.
3. Intolerance hurts people, distresses them, and robs them of validation.
It creates a pervasive record of grievances that poisons the relationship and threatens the fabric of its foundation.
4. It can be seriously frustrating and hinders personal growth, self-awareness, and self-improvement.
It emotionally exhausts and drains a couple, renders attempts at positive interactions next to impossible, and makes progress unattainable.
5. An intolerant couple will definitely have to operate under a heavy burden of chronic anxiety, stress, and other health-related challenges.
By implication, they may suffer emotional trauma which will obviously endanger their well-being.
Truly, wherever the centre cannot hold, surely emotions can never be tranquil or sane too.
7. We already established that intolerance engenders endless, mostly unfair criticism, judgemental attitudes, and acts of belittlement.
Consequently, there's a clear possibility that it may subject couples to low esteem, a sense of being belittled, and self-doubt.
8. In close affinity with my last point, exposure to unrelenting intolerance can lead to depression, hopelessness, and despair between couples.
9. Similarly, Intolerance encourages constant crisis and may even result to physical fight.
That's because it motivates couples to become combative and defensive, thereby leading to cycles of attacks, counter-attacks and escalating conflicts.
10. For a married couple with children, intolerance will be devastating, not only on both, but equally on their kids, by detrimentally affecting their emotional and psychological development.
11. To round up, if intolerance persists within a couple, it could damage all the bonds which hold them together and eventually cause the demise of their relationship.
Measures To Eliminate Intolerance
From all the afore-mentioned, one cannot resist asking:
What then is the way forward?
Let's run through certain possibilities in the next concluding paragraphs.
1. In my own view, it should begin with a couple's true knowledge and understanding about themselves.
Most times intolerance is a product of mutual misunderstanding and ignorance about one-another.
I am talking about knowing the true self.
A couple would have to truly comprehend the following:
- each other's preferences,
- what they can tolerate or cannot,
- limits of each other's elasticity; and,
- triggers to avoid or manage
This will assist them to know their tolerance level and how to avoid the triggers.
2. Again, you need to be accommodating and respect yourselves.
Be receptive, responsive, and non-dismissive of each others' sentiments.
Feeling your collective pulses will considerably aid you both to stay on the same page and boost your tolerance record.
3. As a couple, it is absolutely necessary for you to regularly embark on self-reflection to enable you identify your own biases, emotions, and whatever else generates intolerance within you.
To prevent discord or conflict in your union, you must crush all moods of bias and discriminatory thoughts.
You can achieve that by habitually seeking out opposing viewpoints or facts.
4. As a matter of survival, couples will benefit much from developing reliable means to manage or regulate their emotions.
They ought to grow the ability to control their temper, more particularly when faced with situations that breeds intolerance.
5. Moreover, couples must learn to appreciate one-another and how to be grateful.
They need to focus on the positive aspects of their partners, and see the good sides of situations around them, rather than concentrating on negative thoughts.
6. Again, rather than being close-minded (which is sadly a standard of intolerance), you will have to embrace opening your mind to welcome new ideas, cultures, and lifestyles.
In this wise, you are expected to shy away from being presumptuous or jumping to conclusions.
7. Further, another essential change of attitude is required: start admitting to being ignorant about things which you truly know little about.
Demonstrate readiness to learn from your mistakes, seek and accept feedback too.
This will boost mutual tolerance inside your partnership.
8. Behave inclusively, by creating an environment where both of you could feel welcome, valued, dignified, heard, and supported.
This includes embracing diversification, recognizing and valuing your individual differences in culture, background and perspectives.
9. Likewise, seeing as unfair and insensitive criticism is a huge signpost of intolerance, couples ought to desist from such practice.
They must stop blindly criticizing, judging and condemning themselves, in order to co-exist peacefully.
Instead, they should honour their partner's right to freedom of action and decision.
10. In addition, couples are expected to desist from being presumptuous and should adopt flexible posture in their dealings.
This will help them to compromise and discover new positive common grounds to improve their partnership.
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