In this article, we will discuss yet another challenge in a continual chain of couple fault-lines, with a view to eliminating interpersonal conflicts.
Follow the discussion through the linked sub-topics below:
- Answering One Question With Another Question
- Understanding Evasive Habit
- Character Of Evasive People
- Identifying Causes Of Evasiveness
- Highlighting its demerits on couples' relationships
- 11 Ways Out
Question Versus Question
Do you find yourself seeking to know how being evasive can be one of the sources of crises within spouses?
You might not agree that constant acts of evasiveness by either member of a couple can lead to regular conflicts, but the hard fact is that it does.
Look at it in this light:
As a doubting Thomas, you may wish to ask me: what exactly are the challenges I have with my partner?
And, for the sake of the topic of this article, you may also permit me to reply with another question:
"Who does not have issues?"
How would you feel about my response to you?
Of course, as human beings, we can never be in agreement with everybody all the time.
Nonetheless, as regards my earlier answer, I should be quick to declare that it is a common example of evasiveness.
As to my motivation, something must have prompted me to answer the way I did.
It could be that:
- I was making a secret out of the true state of affairs in my relationship (which is within my right)
- I wished to convey to you, in an indirect manner, that it was none of your business, Or;
- I simply didn't want to answer your question, hence my poser that you ought to answer mine first!
To cut to the chase (get straight to the point), the bottom line is that I am simply circumventing a situation .
I might justifiably do so, if I felt that a third party were trying to pry into my family affair.
I could equally behave in that manner, if I believed I was protecting the privacy and confidentiality of my union.
However, when the interactions are being conducted by I and my mate, I most definitely ought not be elusive.
That's because, as I implied earlier, it is a common cause of discord, lack of trust, and disunity within couples.
What's your take on this?
If I may ask, is anyone around you "evasive"?
Is it within the extended family or just in a friendship setting?
Or, to draw the net tighter, is it within a couple - of which you are a part?
Do you think that being ambivalent can boost a relationship, or injure it?
Understanding The Problem
To be evasive is to behave in a peculiar manner which does not promote openness or good rapport.
In a simple definition, it describes somebody who is in the habit of responding to occasions or replying to questions in an indirect, unclear and round-about manner.
This behaviour can create the impression (whether wrong or right) that the person was:
- running away from addressing a burning problem
- refusing to face reality
- Abandoning an important conversation, duty or responsibility
- just being deceptive.
It could disrupt affairs between partners, where trust and commitment are key elements for bonding and unity.
In the event that either of the couple gets the feeling that the other is being dishonest or unreliable, you can imagine the extent of damage it may inflict on their association.
For example, it may create a chain of negative mental reactions and finger-pointing, in which one person accuses the other of being:
- Deceptive - when attitudes are apparently designed to deceive others
- Dodgy: when fond of sidestepping the truth.
- Ambiguous - when what one says or does encourages multiple interpretations and meanings, thus leading to confusion and uncertainty
- Elusive - when one is hardly available or accessible or understable, by being difficult to pin down or engage
- Shifty - when being hard to trust, dishonest, and unreliable
- Misleading - when actions are not straightforward and ckearly not genuine, deliberately giving a false and incorrect impression in order to deceive others
- Cunning - when being too smart by half and untrustworthy by nursing a secret agenda in pursuing selfish goals
- Duplicitous - when one behaves hypocritically by saying one thing and doing another
As a couple who desire to avoid conflicts, it is important for us to get a proper handle on this subject.
For this purpose, we should meticulously browse through the things we absolutely cannot expect to receive from this kind of attitude (as explained in the following lines).
What Evasive People Do
1. An evasive person can fit into any of the images or accusations described in the previous paragraph above.
Specifically and depending on the relevant context, they could be duplicitous, cunning, shifty, etc.
2. Such a person is a master in the art of what one may idiomatically express as "beating about the bush".
He or she is never direct in words or actions.
For example, they will not answer questions directly.
3. Even when they do, their responses are usually vague and uncommittal.
Indeed, when someone is evasive, he or she can hardly be expected to openly communicate.
In actual fact, lack of clarity and specificity, etc, are usual features of dealing with such a person.
4. Most often, they will shy away from the actual topic or issue.
Attempting to force them to take a firm stand on any matter, or to commit to a clear position may be like trying to persuade a horse to pass through the eye of a needle.
5. They are never slow to give excuses or justifications for their actions.
Consider this: they may claim that they are only avoiding confrontations and conflicts.
In truth, they are running away from dealing with uncomfortable and difficult situations.
6. Most often, they could be somewhat uncooperative.
This may be in the form of hoarding important information, acting unilaterally, and refusing to be forthright and truthful.
7. They could be very exclusive and selfish.
In this regard, they may seek to shield themselves away from criticism and accountability.
It's indeed a tall dream, or virtually impossible, to expect to see or receive honesty from such a fellow.
8. Again, through this behavior, they aim to maintain strategic advantage over their partner, especially by withholding important information.
This may suggest doubts about their reliability or dependability, which is not ideal in a union.
9. Finally, a person like that is usually fond of being close-minded.
What this implies is that, by being vague and ambiguous, they tend to show unwillingness to seek or take advice, embrace alternate perspectives, ideas or opinions.
By inference, the behaviour actually represents a form of being rigid and inflexible in thinking. For instance, they will usually avoid discussions or activities which challenge their own beliefs or biases.
Tracing the Causes
Come to think of it, can any reason justify anyone conducting themselves deviously?
Since everything has a source, why don't we move to identify its origin, or rather some factors leading to it?
1. In an effort to avoid conflict or quarrel, couples may choose to become elusive by avoiding contentious matters.
As such, they refuse to get involved in testy situations they feel may land them in troubled waters, or refuse to engage in uncomfortable discussions. However, while this may suffice for a while, it can only provide temporary relief from conflict.
2. In some cases, someone may become ambiguous and behave evasively, in order not to hurt others or their feelings.
3. In a related sense, you may observe some individuals dodging stressful occasions, engagements, or explosive situations. Their reasons?
To gain time to think, reflect, cool down, and be able to make adequate preparations to address a challenge or predicament.
4. In certain sensitive scenarios, one could utilize evasive behavior, by refusing to rock the boat.
This is usually done in order to maintain peace with others.
5. The attitude is also used as a smokescreen to conceal some acts of indiscipline or misconduct, particularly financial errors and overspending.
6. Even worse, persons with guilt and acting out of fear of being exposed, have been known to apply cunning or shifty attitude for ulterior motives.
To expantiate, they would consider it a convenient means to cover serious infractions they had committed, including drug addictions or inappropriate sexual practices like infidelity.
7. Also, an individual who doesn't want to be tied down to any form of commitment, or who feels trapped and uncomfortable in a union, could resort to noncommittal habits.
8. At other times, one might ordinarily be nursing emotions of resentment for another person and doesn't wish to voice it out.
Within couples especially, a lover or spouse could be avoiding or dodging the partner, in order to hide such negative emotions and thereby prevent a showdown.
Demerits of Evasive Attitude
Given all we have discovered so far, what can we categorically declare as the disadvantages of this activity on couples?
1. In the first place, it disrupts the normal rhythm of communication and turns partners to strangers.
That's because the usual flow of interactions between them gets poisoned.
It is now replaced with misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and conflicts.
2. A constant demonstration of shiftiness or elusiveness, makes people grow skeptical and mistrusting. This lack of trust is a major impediment to a couple's ability to build a strong relationship.
3. By regularly refusing to confront problems and challenges, an evasive person and (by association) a couple will miss opportunities for growth and be unable to resolve pressing issues between them.
4. By and large, if your defence has been that it averts trouble, it may soon fall flat on its face. Its because doing it repeatedly may eventually force others to confront or question you.
As a result, it places you on the defensive and inflicts heavy strains on your relationship.
5. Frankly speaking, a couple who finds it difficult to interact normally would end up having to cope with serious mental health challenges like stress, anxiety, etc.
6. Mostly, if a couple collectively or individually makes a habit of refusing to address their own flaws, weaknesses, and other aspects in need of improvement, they will definitely lack self-awareness and lose out on opportunities to achieve personal growth.
7. Certainly, it hardly benefits anyone to be frequently uncommittal or slippery whereas important matters require grave attention.
It could cost someone his or her credibility and respect from others.
8. Likewise, to have to deal with a conduct like that on a regular basis is enough to test the patience of Job. What I am saying is that it's so extremely trying, frustrating, and annoying, that even the most patient person may break down under its stress.
The outcome will be disagreements and increased conflicts.
9. Needless to add, the burden of suspense and uncertainties generated by evasive habits, can strain relationships.
I am sure we understand how greatly its unrelenting barrage may cause the affected person to feel frustrated, confused, and betrayed by the other's lack of transparency and honesty.
11 Resolutions To Evasive Behaviour In Couples
1. Stop fearing your problems and challenges: learn to face then squarely. Remember: a stitch in time saves nine, which means that it's better to deal with a problem at its early stage than to wait for it to get worse before acting on it.
It implies that if you confront your predicaments promptly, you would be able to resolve them and prevent them from skyrocketing out of control.
2. Secondly, to be transparent is important, so as to sustain a healthy partnership. Couples should be honest, truthful, candid and sincere to themselves.
The way they interact ought to be uncomplicated, easy to understand, and with no hidden agenda whatsoever.
3. Similarly, one must show willingness to share. Cooperation is key and couples need to freely communicate, and voluntarily provide or exchange information, ideas, and confidences.
4. Likewise, couples should be direct and unambiguous in what they say and how they behave, so that they will not be misunderstood.
By expressing only authentic and genuine views in a straightforward, uncomplicated and on-the-point manner, they will be creating no room for misinterpretation.
5. By the way, if your evasiveness flows from lack of self confidence, ask yourself what's there to fear about your partner?
Assuming you are lovers, or a married couple, you got this far, didn't you?
You need to positively self-talk, be courageous and believe in yourself. Avoiding challenges only makes you weaker, but bracing up to them increases your confidence in self and emboldens you.
6. Perchance yours is the fear of being wrong or judged.
Stop using that as a basis for side-stepping your responsibilities. Who's never wrong or being corrected at one point or another in life? Remind yourself: that everybody makes mistakes.
Stop being unnecessarily fidgety or apprehensive about it.
Know that making mistakes is an integral part of human relations, so buckle up to develop a growth mindset, apologize and learn from your errors - instead of evading people.
7. If you are evading issues because you fear you will lose or get hurt, where's the gain in that?
An African adage says that "If you close your eyes because you don't want to see bad people passing, how will you know when good people pass bye?"
In the same vein, if you never try your hand at something, how will you know the extent of your ability or capability?
Learn to be adventurous, brave, and practical.
8. Obviously, it pays to be open-minded, genuine, authentic, and sincere, rather than being close-minded (which triggers evasiveness). Couples ought to be inclusive and not exclusive.
You ought to be accessible, receptive, and willing to engage each other without pretence.
Notably, you should not hide your feelings about your partner, be it complaint or annoyance.
The sooner it's ventilated, the earlier it can be resolved.
9. Moreover, to be evasive represents a strong form of rejecting reality, hard facts and truthful situations.
Actually, that does nobody any good. Couples should endeavor to be practical, and accept the hard facts of life as they truly are, rather than ignoring or avoiding them.
10. Furthermore, in order to prevent hiding things from ourselves or evading other people due to guilty conscience, I think it's advisable we restrict our activities to what is right and proper.
To amplify, couples ought to be self-disciplined and avoid the following activities (to mention just a few):
- financial errors
- overspending
- sexual immorality
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