Don't Be Secretive

How does secretive attitude, an undesirable Fault-line of couples, militate against possibilities of eliminating relationship conflicts?

Get the details through the clickable sub-topics below:

• Couple Dynamiccs
  
• Examining The Causes
  
• Knowing The Disadvantages
  
• Merits Of Tranparency
  
• 8 Bonding Tactics

A Couple's Fault-lines

What, actually, is a Fault-line?

Why are they considered as principal factors for couples' disharmony and conflicts?

If you are in a relationship, I am sure you cannot be a stranger to fault-lines and the  constant efforts required to resolve conflicts.

You may not realize it yet, but whatever challenges you may be experiencing in your relationship, they are no doubt solely responsible.

A Fault-line is a  rift, divisive issue, bunch of  personal  differences, etc - be it in religion, ethnicity, philosophy, or other value systems and beliefs -  which  can cause conflict or lead to violent confrontation.

Fault-lines exist in all human interactions and managing them positively is essential for peaceful co-existence.

Indeed, how they are handled is very crucial amongst couples, especially because of their capacity to cause discord.

Even more so, they are usually under-lying issues, tensions or discordant elements which may not be openly obvious, yet they may cause breakdown of any relationship if neglected. 

A common fault-line - and booby trap for hostilities - is secretiveness (i.e. when couples are being secretive and not open with each other).

Have you encountered or experienced such?

Begging your pardon: are you or your partner secretive?

How is that affecting your relationship:  positively or negatively?

In fact, when somebody is referred to as "being secretive", what exactly does it mean?

Secretiveness or being secretive, simply means you are hiding your feelings, thoughts, intentions,  plans, activities, etc, from another person - in this case, that would be your partner.

It suggests that you are:

• not an open book 
• not being transparent
• not openly communicating
• not building trust

Possible Causes Of Couple's Secretiveness

Why do couples become secretive, to the detriment of their bond?

Let's try to identify some of its common causes as follows:

1.  Lack of Trust.

When couples don't trust themselves, they are bound to hide things from one-another.

That can happen because a confidence had been betrayed sometimes in the past, or the behaviour of either of the couple did not invite trust.

2.  Fear Of Being Faulted. 

Either of the couple may decide or be compelled to become secretive due to any of these conditions:

• constant criticism, 
• fault-finding, 
• judgemental and condemnatory practices 

This will motivate them to hide their thoughts and actions to avoid being unkindly criticized.

3. Couples may also become secretive when they feel personally insecure, unsure of themselves,  and afflicted by low self-esteem. 

4.  Sometimes, a partner just wants to avoid argument, especially when they are not sure you are going to approve of their actions.

They don't want difficult conversations or disagreements, so they just clam up.

5.  Again, either member of a couple may go secretive in order to protect his or her boundary and personal space.

They will always do that especially when they believe that their privacy is under constant threat.

6.  A partner may also start hiding things because he or she is involved in acts they can't be proud of, such as  promiscuity, irresponsible affairs, or infidelity.

7.  Sometimes,  for undeclared and self-protection reasons, couples may embark on hiding their personal interests and goals.

8.  A desire to protect personal or classified  information and networking, may motivate couples to indulge in secretive activity.

For example, they may lock their phones, laptops, electronic files or data, etc, with password.

9.  At other times, the reason could simply be that someone lacks good communication skills and is afraid or shy or feeling inferior.

If their attempts to communicate frequently causes embarrassment or frustration to them, they will mostly not feel free to act openly.

10.  On another level, secretiveness can equally result whereby couples are engaged in struggling for power to assume upper hand in the relationship.

In such a situation, they will constantly  take clandestine actions in competition over what they might regard as power imbalance between them 

11.  Besides, let's not forget that some guys are just naturally secretive by nature or in character. 

For such persons, it takes time and efforts to loosen-up and feel safe or free to act openly.

12. "Once bitten twice shy": this adage means that people who suffer from unresolved trauma or  unpleasant experiences in the past, are usually very careful thereafter.

As a coping mechanism, they may indulge in:

• saying little or nothing
• not revealing personal intent or plans
• unsharing attitude, and
• generally being secretive, undemonstrative, and unresponsive.

13.  Couples having trust issues over money matters may go secretive.

They could begin to hide things like personal financial details or decisions, expenses, profits and loss, investments and  share dividends - to mention just a few.

14.  Additionally, couples suffering from shame and guilt due to some failed activity or incidents may go secretive to protect their image and self-worth. 

Not only might they desire their wrongful acts not to be exposed, they could also be influenced to hide their thoughts and actions from then onwards. 

A Stretch Of Disadvantages

Now that we know the causes, what can we recognize as demerits of  being secretive?

1.  By my own reckoning, the greatest damage which being secretive does, is that it erodes trust between couples.

Instead, it will create a climate of mistrust and suspicion and gradually destroy the very foundation of their union.

2. Secondly, the more couples hide things from each other, the more they will  create feelings of insecurity and anxiety.

Strong emotions of uncertainty and unpredictable tendencies may further tarnish their relationship.

Soon, these negative emotions and incidents may cause damage to their mental health and well-being.

3.  Needless to say, couples who can't trust one-another with transparent, honest and open declarations and actions, will indeed find it very difficult to sustain emotional intimacy and closeness.

It will drive a wedge between them and push them emotional apart.

4.  It encourages deceitfulness.

Couples who hide things away from each other are already soaked in dishonesty and unless they put an end to it, their relationship will most certainly hit the rocks eventually.

5.  Similarly, when a couple gets entangled in furtive and mysterious activity, they will be denying themselves the benefits of enjoying open and honest communication.

As a result, they will miss opportunities for personal and collective growth, which usually proceeds from cross-pollination of ideas and sharing. 

6.  The more covert and clandestine you are, the more undignified feelings, possibly dishonest, guilty, and shameful your actions may make you feel.

7.  As for resolving conflicts or problems, being covert doesn't help at all.

Rather, it will create new problems and escalate existing challenges.

8.  Being secretive encourages divergence. 

This means that instead of coming closer, a couple will be drifting further apart and cannot see eye-to-eye.

Not only this, it may negatively affect and even damage their integrity, credibility, and reputation.

9.  When a couple refuses to act or interact honestly, they can never feel accountable and responsible to themselves or sustain their union.

10.  When couples, rather than sharing ideas, support and resources, constantly behave like lone rangers, it may soon  generate feelings of hurt and resentment between them. 

11.  If anything, instead of promoting loyalty and commitment to each other, acting in disunity and furtively will  only encourage acts of disloyalty and lack of commitment.

Merits Of Transparency

As everyone is aware, there are two sides to every coin.

We just identified some downsides of secretiveness, now let's look at it's flip side - which is being non-secretive.

What can couples gain by being non-secretive?

1.  To start off, we should all realize how trust is essential to maintaining and sustaining healthy relationships.

Being non-secretive will therefore deepen a couple's  trust in each other and strengthen their bond.

2.  Apart from this, being open and honest in dealing with each other will upgrade a couple's love-life.

For one, it will boost emotional closeness, cordiality, affection, and intimacy between them.

3.  Also, when a couple operates openly and freely, they tend to achieve better understanding of themselves.

For example, they will find it easier to respect one-another,  share each other's perspectives,  thoughts, feelings, and goals.

In turn, their bond will grow stronger than ever before.

4. More so, being open and non-secretive will enable couples to build loyalty and Commitment between them.

This in effect enhances their ability to positively manage  vulnerabilities and improve their emotional connection.

5.  Again, when a couple resists being secretive in interacting with themselves, it increases their ability to resolve their differences and prevent conflicts.

For example, forgiving one-another happens seamlessly, especially as both can enjoy a sense of safety and security between them.

6.  More important: being  non-secretive creates a good climate of accountability and a sense of responsibility between a couple.

They can admit being at fault when they are wrong, rather that looking to pin the blame on their partner.

Finally, by not hiding things, they will also be able to relate better.

They will enjoy open and  honest communication, which helps to prevent misunderstandings and promote personal growth.

In fact, having a good rapport will additionally enable them  to enjoy a healthy semblance of self-independence within their relationship.

8 Tactics To Avert Secretiveness Between A Couple

So, from the foregoing, how can couples isolate acts of secretiveness?

For instance, if we advised "Don't be secretive", how do you implement it?

In order words, how can partners-in-love avoid  entangle themselves in hiding things or deceiving themselves?

1.  To me, a sick person must first diagnose the problem to find out its cause.

I believe that's not only common sense but also of top priority and a logical step.

As a concerned couple, you  must find out why you are suddenly having to hide your actions, intentions, goals, etc, from your partner.

For instance, you want to know whether it's due to any or all of the following factors:

• Fear
• Trust issues
• Habit
• Grievances, etc.

Actually, if you can discover  the cause, it's easier to  understand the challenge and how you can effectively reverse the urge.

2.  Secondly, as an age-old adage says: the journey of a thousand miles begins with a step.

It means the first step counts, every achievement starts with a first move. 

Couples should start by committing themselves to transparency.

They should accept to be open and honest with one another, be honest in confessing their feelings, thoughts and goals to grow their union.

3.  Thirdly, couples should realize that trust is key to sustaining relationships.

Consequently they must build trust by:

• fulfilling commitments 
• staying reliable
• maintaining confidentiality 
• generally behaving dependably.

To supplement this, while privacy is always a cherished product by everyone, couples can boost their relationship by using technology more wisely and less rigidly. 

For example, they can let their partners know their phone passwords, share phone records and other information to show transparency. 

This will enhance their bonding and eliminate grounds for conflicts.

4.  Another essential:  value and understand your partner's perspectives.

Demonstrate empathy, give active ear to them - words, tone, body language, everything concerning him or her.

5.  Again, couples should try to acknowledge their individual fears or concerns  and address them together.

For example, they should join hands to resolve these common triggers or insecurities:

• fear of rejection
• jealousies
• low self-esteem (e.g. social withdrawal, sensitivity to criticism, hostile reaction as a defence mechanism, etc)
• inferiority complex (e.g. shyness, self-deprecation, always comparing self to others unfairly, self-doubt, etc)
• Fear of failure and procrastination
• poor communication skills (which can negatively affect your interactions and togetherness).
• other individual-specific weaknesses which you can unite to correct in order to enrich and sustain your relationship.

6.  Moving on, couples should place high premium on sharing.

Truth be told, a life devoid of sharing is no life at all: it's mere existential lethargy ( i.e.  somebody existing without enthusiasm, purpose, or passion).

Couples must learn to imbibe the spirit of sharing to grow together.

They should cross-pollinate by:

• exchanging, sharing and combining ideas, knowledge,  and perspectives
• establish common goals
• collaborate and pool resources and efforts to achieve common objectives 

7.  Furthermore, remember that the (excessive) love of money is the root of most evils.

Couples should as much as possible open up about their finances.

You can only gain much and improve your relationship too, by honestly sharing financial information and making financial decisions together.

8.  Finally, couples should be accountable and accept responsibility for their actions.

They should stop looking for whom to blame when their actions go wrong.

If they do so, trust will be sustained, and there would be no call for their partners to go secretive and hostile on them.

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