How To Resist Fault-finding

    

At the best of times, managing couple Fault-lines and eliminating relationship conflicts is a hard nut to crack.

Sometimes you may ask yourself: where do I begin?

Well, start from somewhere, but definitely not with Fault-finding or playing the blame gamee.

That would be equal to adding fuel to a flame.

As a matter of fact, let's discover how couples can learn to stop trading blames and start taking responsibility for their actions.

To navigate your way through this discussion, make use of the linked sub-topics below please::

• Couple Fault Lines
  
• Its Elements
  
• Dangers Of Carping
  
• Effective Fixes For Blame Games

Talking About Couple Weaknesses

Last time I checked, there's no human being on earth who is without fault.

You think your partner is full of rubbish and doesn't deserve you?

Are you even sure that's true and  that you've probably not got it all wrong?

How about conducting a comprehensive examination of the roots, dimensions, and discordant tunes of fault-finding?

Here's what I intend to do:

• iidentify whether it has any benefit or not, 
• how it contributes to discordant tunes or quarrels amongst couples, and 
• what we should do about it, especially by working out practical fives for fault-finding.

As I hinted earlier, there's virtually nobody who's 100% blameless in life.

When you dig into the bottom of every situation, what you will discover is a rainbow of multicoloured factors, all  contributing in one way or another to our challenges.

That's because, life is not just in black and white. Rather, it's a mix of many variables - some of which daily keep on unfolding just when you believe you've seen it all.

Don't get me wrong here. 

I am not saying that it's not necessary to know the root of a problem.

Of course it's essential and indeed should be a priority.

How else can you solve a problem without knowing where it's coming from or how it happens?

However, there's a huge difference between trying to locate the root-cause of a challenge sincerely and objectively, and jumping to conclusions that your partner must have done it.

While we can regard the first activity as a scientific procedure, the latter is nothing short of emotional, instinctive, and can only produce bIased or provocative outcomes.

To understand better what our topic entails, fault-finding simply means to habitually criticize others, especially by constantly pointing out their flaws in a negative and disapproving manner.

It's an activity by which someone frequently identifies what is wrong or mistakes or problems, instead of what is right, positive or productive.

According to a popular saying, 'he who wears the shoe knows where it pinches'. 

It means that you can only understand what it takes to deal with any challenge if you are at its receiving end.

I can surely tell you that if you are searching for a quick reason that's  responsible for marital disagreements, fault-finding carries the cake.

No one likes to be faulted or blamed for something that went wrong.

Still, there must always be somebody responsible for something, right?

We all know this.

There can be no smoke without a fire somewhere issuing it.

In official circles, as in running a business or office, it's called "responsibility" and the buck always stops at somebody's desk.

That means that if anything goes wrong, you certainly know who  to hold responsible or sanction for it.

However, it doesn't work that way in informal relationships, especially marriages.

In fact, there are many reasons why it shouldn't, actually.

For instance, it's a different ballgame - where a couple brings their strengths and weaknesses to live together.

This is not office work at play.

It's not a boss-employee situation.

As such, a system of queries and sanctions can't apply here, simply because it's not an official thing.

If you tried to use that formal procedure, I am sure you are going to worsen the very troubles you are trying to resolve.

Some of the challenges couples usually battle against are:

• personalty clash which just won't let go
• Sundry misunderstandings
• Contradictory notes and uncooperative attitude emanating from both sides.

If you still can't get my point, consider the following scenarios:

Assuming your car engine stops working while you are on your way  to any destination: that's nobody's fault, is it?

Unless you just got it back from your mechanic and you want to pick issues with the guy, of course!

Another scenario.

Let's say your cat or any other pet is missing.

Or an asset gets damaged in the house.

Or one thing or another goes wrong in your home.

What would you expect the reaction to be like?

Don't sweat it.

The unfortunate trend is that most people would start looking for somebody to blame, 

A lot of energy is often needlessly exerted on scape-goating efforts, instead of looking for solutions.

Isn't that how trouble starts between couples?

If you make enoigh repetitive acts of blaming one another, it would sufficiently explain why you and your spouse can't sing the same tune on most issues.

Elements Of Fault-finding

Playing the blame game, or fault-finding, has always been a human instinct that's ageless.

For example, when people don't want to take or accept responsibility for a fault or error, what will they do?

They will look for somebody to pin it on, of course.

I think it's because we humans don't usually like to be wrong or have our weaknesses exposed.

In fact, it takes courage to accept that you are wrong, doesn't it?

To appreciate this behaviour better, let's now look at some of the common characteristics or features of fault-finding.

1. It is mostly a one-sided activity, no matter which way you may choose to view it.

For example, in your effort or excitement to pin the blame on someone, you only identify their faults, and are blind to their good side.

2.  It is judgemental and sometimes leads to condemnatory habit, especially if you get into the attitude of doing it over and over repeatedly.

3.  It is accusatory, no doubt about it. 

Looking for fault in your spouse or partner, I believe, portrays a mindset of declaring somebody guilty without even thinking that they might actually be innocent.

As it happens time and time over, either of the partners will  always be on trial again and again.

4.  It is an exercise which is negative in its focus. It can't bear any good fruit and it only promises to antagonize its victims relentlessly.  

5.  It is an activity in which somebody is constantly and self-righteously questioning the actions of another person, usually without justification

6.  It is disrespectful and as it enters into it's cycle of recurrence, it becomes annoying and humiliating - to say the least.

In short, it demonstrates a total lack of regard for the person at the receiving end.

7.  Finally, it is a series of insultive and  uncomplimentary actions which are mostly delivered with disapproving tones. 

Dangers Of Compulsive Finger-Pointing

For a number of reasons, I wouldn't encourage anybody to indulge in trading blames or fault-finding.

In case you don't agree with my position, let's go ahead and consider together some of the most common dangers of indulging in this unhealthy practice.

1. It creates enmity.

Even at the best of times, it has never been easy for two different guys to co-exist without their individual differences either clashing or struggling to cope.

You can imagine what then happens if constant incidents of "it must be your fault" are added to the mix.

That can only heat up negative emotions and generate unfriendliness all around.

2.  Also, it can make spouses or partners to behave unnaturally around themselves, especially by showing so much tension and uneasiness.

For example, when you are constantly finding fault with somebody, they can never be relaxed or at ease whenever you are with them.

3.  More so, it is an habit which can quickly destroy whatever affection or love the spouses once shared.

Instead of familiarity and compassion, what it produces are feelings that cannot endear you to yourselves.

4.  Again, by making a habit of blaming your spouse, you are actually creating a climate of distrust between the two of you.

To rephrase that, it can destroy your trust and respect for each other and insert an invisible wedge between you to separate and push both of you further apart than ever before.

5.  Besides, I believe that self-esteem is a very important value which we all cherish.

Unfortunately, it is one of the first commodities we lose by constantly playing the blame game.

If you asked me, where is the dignity in endlessly nagging or trading blames?

6.  As a corollary, it is absolutely unproductive.

I mean, what exactly has fishing for who's wrong or right ever achieved amongst couples?

Can it solve any problem or repair what went wrong?

Is it not rather negative and destructive?

Last time I checked, it only worsens the matter and no headway is made in any worthwhile direction.

7.  Here's another disadvantage of focusing on your partner's mistakes and flaws most of the time:

• It discourages open communication.
• It does not create a conducive environment or setting for free, robust and cordial interactions between couples 
• Instead, it encourages negative engagements and activities, such as witch-hunting, baseless  suspicion, and rivalry.

8.   On a final note, it is amongst several behaviours which cause bad blood between couples. 

By repeatedly criticizing others, you can only  create a toxic environment. 

It is also a common reason for many misunderstandings, fights, and broken relationships.

8 Good Fixes To Prevent Fault-finding

Managing a relationship is always a two-way traffic, because - as the saying goes - it always takes two to tango.

It means that both of you have to be in this thing together and give it your best shot, in order to make it work.

However, either of you can set the ball rolling or  get it started.

 It sometimes takes the good example of one person to set good things in motion, not so?

Come to think of it, how can you successfully resist Fault-finding?

Let's now consider some of the steps you can take to ensure that fault-finding doesn't rear up its ugly head inside your relationship.

1. I believe that the place to start from, is to be patient and reasonable. Try not to jump into conclusions or rushing into assumptions.

You need to take things easy and avoid taking hasty decisions.

2.  Secondly, you should try everything within your power to accommodate each other. 

You need to be tolerant and accept each other's inadequacies and peculiarities.

Recognize that nobody is an island. Everybody needs a companion, so  you should make the most of your union.

Remember that in a relationship, your best can never truly be enough and you just have to keep on trying to improve the way you relate together.

3.  Moving on, you should be realistic about your living together. Accept that neither you nor your spouse -  or anybody in this life -  can ever be perfect.

Therefore, stop looking for perfection or fishing for faults,  which might most likely be existing only in your own imagination. 

4.  Further, if you have been doing it before and that's probably why you can't see eye-to-eye with your spouse, then stop doing it.

Stop judging yourselves. The gap from being a jury to unjustly condemning your mate is hardly substantial. Nothing stokes the fire of enmity as much as it does.

5.   Moreover, there's this dangerous aura about feelings of self-righteousness.

It can grow on somebody. The more you criticize someone the more correct or right you think you are.

Let me be frank with you: you are not right. 

Anybody can be wrong, so you should resist getting into the habit of thinking your partner is always wrong. 

6. Furthermore, always demonstrate honest regard and respect for each other.

Start by controlling your manner of approach.

Be careful what you say, how you say it, and control the tone you use, so that you wouldn't  cause disaffection or hurt people's feelings.

 Always use positive language and respectful tones when addressing your spouse.

7.  In addition, you should constantly show empathy. 

Let it be seen that you are caring. 

Be empathetic.

 Listen to your partner. Identify with his or her points of view and try as much as is possible to relate with their feelings, emotions, and concerns.

8. Finally, whenever something goes wrong, resist looking for a scapegoat or who to blame. 

Instead, it's better to address the problem and look for ways to resolve it.

That will prevent wasting time chasing shadows while apportioning blames.

It is much better to quickly and collectively f.ocus on the issue and resolve it together on time.

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